by Holly Lucas

Yes, I spent a ludicrous amount of money on a tour t-shirt with her face on it—  isn’t that the rule? And yes, I did dress up in a tutu and tiny top hat and get called a whore by some chavmobile driving trollop – isn’t that what happens when Lady Gaga is involved?

Gaga was awesome. The end.

No, really, she was insane. From her opening Alien style outfit where she was paraded around the stage, right down to seeing her flash her bum cheeks every twenty minutes or so. And at the start of the show, a moment I remember so clearly I still chuckle at it now when I watch The X Factor, she said to us all:

‘I’m going to sing live ALL night, and dance my p—y off’

And she did, without ever seeming to be short of breath – what a machine!

In fact, the whole production was just a spectacle to see. The set; a castle that opened out to reveal loads of rooms and levels inside inhabited by musicians. There were the ordinary instruments – drum kit, guitar. But nothing compared to the donut keyboard. This pianist was spinning and sliding round it the whole evening; Phantom of the Opera much? Even the backing dancers were sickeningly slick. Precise down to the little finger.

What I did have a little problem with, however, had nothing to do with the show. It was the gaggle of small children, no older than ten, perched behind me. Now I’m not one to comment on parenting skills, but I’m not sure this was quite the concert suitable for their age group. For a start, the first song, ‘Government Hooker’, involved Gaga simulating ‘dining out’. And the supporting act, The Darkness, opened the show with that favourite past-time, ‘Get Your Mother F****** Hands off my Woman, Mother F*****’. Now don’t fret, the children were not harmed – one of them fell asleep!

I should say, The Darkness were the best warm up act ever. To be fair, I’ve seen very few, as the last concert I attended was Boyzone when they were first together. Of course, they did the infamous ‘I believe in a thing called love’, to which the thousands of fans screeched along. Even though the lead singer’s grown this weird goatee animal on his face, he can still pull off that white, skin tight jumpsuit.

I would mention Lady Starlight, who was the pre-warm up act, but aside from not knowing who she even is, I’m not actually sure what she did. From a distance, it looked like she just stood there while dodgy music played in the background, and occasionally ventured into a small circus tent she had on stage to change her outfit. She certainly is not master of the quick change as Gaga is, so I used her…performance…as the toilet break.

Though I feel like I screamed my lungs out from afar, I know I can never compete with the Little Monsters. The crazy kids who dressed like her and sat in the VIP section down front, scrambling to touch the sweat that flew from Gaga’s body. When she picked a couple to come up on stage and actually hugged them, I thought they were going to faint. I almost wish I had enough money, and enough psycho in me, to warrant buying a VIP pass just to meet the woman. Just to look her in the eye and ask, “Did you really sing live?”