Here’s a quick review of the latest Liam Neeson film, The Grey, via the medium of cricketing metaphor.

It was a rather chilly and breezy day as The Grey came out to bat, looking to chase down a rather modest total of 300 which seemed all the more reachable after a couple of classy establishing shots by Tasteful Direction and Nice Location. This early good work was undone though as The Grey allowed itself to be undone by Mawkish Flashbacks & Unnecessary Voice-Over so early in proceedings. The runs soon dried up as the bowling attack of Unconvincing Premise and ‘Deadly’ Dull Tone dominating the early phases of the match. When Narrative Logic was caught in no-man’s land, The Grey was left mired at 20 for 3.

Just when everything seemed doomed, things finally sprang to life thanks to a short but crunching innings from Great Plane Crash. An impressive partnership from Neeson Being All Rugged and Dependable Horror Clichés continued the good work and kept the crowd on-side, as they combined well with solid, if occasionally rather silly, run scoring. Even though Unconvincing Premise continued to threaten to spoil the party, The Grey’s dressing room would have been the happier of the two as they went in for lunch at 120 for 4.

After lunch, Neeson Being All Rugged and Dependable Horror Clichés eased their way to half centuries as The Grey reached 200 for 4 by drinks. A hard earned (if not entirely convincing) victory was seemingly assured. But after taking his eye off the ball, Neeson Being All Rugged was run out and replaced with Neeson Being Frankly-Annoying who, despite enjoying plenty of time at the crease, failed to make a real impact. Dependable Horror Clichés soon went and the spin attack of ‘Painfully’ Worthy & ‘Deadly’ Dull ripped through the tail. The crowd was forced to witness a deeply misjudged innings by Terence Mallick Style-Flashback, whilst the contributions from Corny Male Bonding and Awkward Attempt at Comedy are best forgotten. The innings ended dismally with a quite preposterous shot by Frankly-Annoying, greeted with a howls of derision from all present.

The Grey limped to a disappointing 240 all out which will surely heap more pressure on manager Joe Carnahan, especially after having a mixed time of it working with the A-Team last season. But a portion of the blame for The Grey’s over-all ponderous and conservative tone must be shared by the backroom technical directors Ridley and Tony Scott, as a lack of adventurousness ensured that defeat was dragged from the slathering jaws of victory.