Good morning [friend], I hope you haven’t been waiting here long, but you know what it’s like when you’ve been out the night before. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like we got slaughtered, a couple of us just decided to go out and let of some steam after we got our essays back. I don’t know if you heard, but yours truly breached the seventy-barrier. I know, I know, I said I did it at the last minute; I just got lucky I guess.

Yes, I did hear what you got. At least you don’t have to do a redemption, huh?! Believe me, I know what it’s like to have walked along that lonely street of dreams, and I know it’s not a good feeling. Granted, that wasn’t worth fifty?—Sixty percent of the module, but still. Ouch. (Nod head.) I didn’t want to say anything at the time, but I have to say that it was a pretty pathetic essay. And yeah, some people may have mocked the fact that you cried, but I personally thought it was a real show of character. Still, I have to admit that some of the guys’ impressions of you were pretty good. There was this great one from [your best friend], he pulled his chinos up – like how you wear them – and goes, “Ooh, I’m [friend] and I got one bad grade and now I’m going to call my Mummy.” (Hold for laughter.)

Well, I guess it was one of those things that you had to be there for.

But shall I tell you what I’ve realised this morning; so what if you got one bad grade? And so what you didn’t know what the plural of ‘panini’ is? It just proves that my grades are more impressive. Am I right? And just for future reference, ‘panini’ is a Latin word so you can’t just put an ‘s’ at the end. I know how tricky Latin can be sometimes.

The most important thing to remember is that this doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world. It’s the end of your world, sure – but the whole world doesn’t revolve around you, so you can’t just mope around and bring everyone else down. I don’t want to be coarse, but that’s pretty darn selfish of you. I mean, how do you think us guys feel? We’re trying to celebrate our hard work and we keep getting texts from you. Pull yourself together, man.

If you think that’s going to solve anything then I’m afraid you’re sorely mistaken. You know, when I got that bad grade in my first year I heard this little saying that goes, “Which is worse, being apathetic of just plain ignorant?” You should think about that. Personally I don’t know the answer, and frankly I don’t care! (Hold for laughter.)

No, no, I jest! But seriously, you’ve got to ask yourself: did I just not care about how I did, or was it that I didn’t work hard enough to do well? And you know what, the answer is always the same – you’ve got to get back up on that horse – not literally, that’s what we call a metaphor – and keep right on working.

You see, the whole problem is in your head. Some people might say you need to “beat” these books, but in truth you just need to beat yourself. And no, not in that way. But I’m sure one day we’ll all forget this horrible chapter in your life, and hopefully your future employers will do the same.

Anyhow, I guess it’s time I made my way to my lecture – I don’t want to end up like you! But I’m sure I’ll see you around.

Oh, and it’s the same with ‘graffiti’ as well, by the way.