A battle of artists where we compare their 3 best albums and album covers with their 3 worst to find out who has the most consistent back catalogue.

If an artist progresses to the next round, another 3 albums and covers must be chosen. As such, given that there will be 4 rounds (Round 1; Quarter finals; Semi-finals, and Final), selected artists much have released a minimum of 12 albums.

The Rolling Stones

Albums:

Best:

Exile On Main Street (+9)

The critic in me says that this could have done with a bit of an edit to remove some of the lengthy blues noodlings, but the fan in me wants it to go on forever. The divine guitar combo of Mick Taylor and Keith Richards from Sticky Fingers remains, but the best songs are just that little bit better, and there are fewer bland bits (blues noodlings aside). The opening salvo of ‘Rocks Off’ and ‘Rip This Joint’ is as good a one-two as any album ever, and ‘Happy’, ‘Shine a Light’, and ‘Tumbling Dice’ are career high-points.

Let it Bleed (+8)

Cards on the table: if this album consisted of ‘Gimme Shelter’ and 8 other songs where Mick and Keith made fart noises, I’d still give it a 6 out of 10. Even if the album consisted only of the opening minute of ‘Gimme Shelter’ then 8 fart-noise songs I’d still give it 6 out of 10. As album openers go, this is perfection. ‘Country Honk’ and ‘Midnight Rambler’ are low-points, but Keef’s ‘You Got The Silver’ and the singalong classic ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want’ keep the overall quality high.

Sticky Fingers (+7)

What a mixed bag. Half of the album (‘Brown Sugar’, ‘Sway’, ‘Wild Horses’, ‘Can’t You Hear Me Knocking?’ and ‘Bitch’) is absolutely immense, and up there with the best the band has ever produced, and the other half (‘You Gotta Move’, ‘I Got The Blues’, ‘Sister Morphine’, ‘Dead Flowers’, and ‘Moonlight Mile’)… isn’t.

Total: +24

Worst:

Dirty Work (-4)

It says a lot that the standout single from the album (‘Harlem Shuffle’) was a cover. An uninspired album rather than a bad one – horrible 80s production aside – much of this is instantly forgettable.

Emotional Rescue (-5)

The songs ‘Let Me Go’ and ‘Where the Boys Go’ are paint-by-numbers Stones tracks, the kind AI would spew out if you asked it to produce what a late 70s/ early 80s offering from the band would sound like. And they’re the best songs on the album. The title track is an absolute horror show that must be consigned to the deep, dark pit of Rock and Roll Disco-bandwagon balls-ups.

Undercover (-7)

The title (and opening) track is worth repeated listens, but it’s very much all downhill from there, sadly. ‘Tie You Up (The Pain of Love)’ is a candidate for the worst lyrics Jagger has ever written, ‘Feel on Baby’ is at least 4 and a half minutes too long (running time 5m 6s), and the reverb on Charlie’s drums in ‘Too Much Blood’ is simply unforgivable. Even the Keith-on-lead-vocals track, which can often elevate a mediocre album is bland. The kind of album you buy, listen to once, shake your head at, then shelve.

Total:-16

Overall: +8

Album covers:

Best:

Let it Bleed (+7)

In my humble opinion, unlike their 60s ‘rivals’ The Beatles, The Rolling Stones never produced what I’d call a barmstorming beaut of an album cover. This one is the best of a mediocre/ bad lot, but that’s about the best I can say for it.

A Bigger Bang (+7)

See above comment for how low the bar is set, but this one is decent, at least, and the upside down image gimmick is pretty neat.

Sticky Fingers (+6)

Here’s where a number of you will likely disagree with me, but, sans the working zipper, which my CD copy never had, this is just, well ‘OK’. A point comes off for the close-up of the stained y-fronts on the insert. No-one wants to see that.

Total: +20

Worst:

Goats Head Soup (-5)

Mick Jagger’s head swathed in chiffon? No thanks. Very soon after getting my CD copy as a 14 year-old I switched the booklet around so the cover was the image of the titular goat’s head. Still not overly pleasing to look at, but preferable.

Steel Wheels (-7)

So ‘meh’ that it doesn’t even get a mention on the Wikipedia article about the album, this offering is about as unappealing as another Mick Jagger solo album. Having lived through most of the ‘80s, I know how grey it was as a decade, was there really any need to represent it on an album cover? It makes John Major look positively technicoloured by comparison.

Hackney Diamonds (-8)

Given the slickness of the promo campaign surrounding the album (which even saw the classic tongue and lips logo appearing on the front of FC Barcelona home shirts), this cover is inexcusable. At best, it looks like a GCSE Art student’s coursework submission. At worst, it manages to trump the horrors of Steel Wheels and Goats Head Soup to grab the wooden spoon of the band’s covers.

Total: -20

Overall: 0

The Rolling Stones score +8


The Beach Boys

Albums:

Best:

Pet Sounds (+9)

In terms of melody and harmony, this reaches peaks of absolute musical beauty that few other albums do. Many books and thousands of articles have been written on what an amazing record this is, so I won’t go over old ground here (suffice to say it is amazing), and it marks the zenith of Brian Wilson’s creativity, which pretty much means it’s up there with the zenith of anyone’s creativity. Giving 9 out of 10 rather than full marks will no doubt upset some, but as someone who utterly loathes Phil Spector’s Wall of Mud, sorry Wall of Sound, production style, sometimes this sails a little close to that particular wind for my taste.

The Beach Boys Today (+9)

With its production slightly less Spectorish than Pet Sounds, at its best (‘Please Let Me Wonder’, ‘She Knows Me So Well’, ‘In The Back Of My Mind’, ‘Kiss Me, Baby), this is up there with the best work Brian Wilson ever produced. Even the more light-hearted ones like ‘Don’t Hurt My Little Sister’ and ‘Good To My Baby’ are quality. Loses a point for the awful spoken-word album closer ‘Bull Session with The Big Daddy’.

Friends (+8)

Dismissive as I was of all The Beach Boys’ albums post Brian Wilson’s period of total control, I only came to Friends recently due to a close friend’s recommendation. And it’s a case in point that I really need to get over myself and be more open. Clocking in at less than 26 minutes might be off-putting to some, but as hater of over-indulgent flabby 60+ minute albums, I don’t necessarily see such a streamlined affair as a negative. Containing what is, in my opinion, the best opening to a Beach Boys album in ‘Meant For You’ (if we don’t include The Smile Sessions’s ‘Our Prayer’, that is), Friends maintains a high standard throughout, even surviving Mike Love’s lyrics on ‘Anna Lee, The Healer’, and ‘Transcendental Meditation’. Brian Wilson is at his melodic best on a number of the tracks, but Dennis Wilson emerges as the scene-stealer with standout tracks ‘Little Bird’. A great album.

Total: 26

Worst:

The Beach Boys (-9)

he first issue here is that a sacred eponymous album title has been wasted on such unlistenable tat. The second (and probably the most insufferable) is the cheesy 80s production that’s been slathered over melodies and harmonies which at times seem to have been copied and pasted from Surfin’ Safari. The third, sadly, is the undoing of what made The Beach Boys so unique and vital in the first place: the singing. Mike’s voice is more nasal than anyone would believe medically possible, Carl’s is so shrill at times only dogs can hear it (and boy do they wish they couldn’t), and Brian’s 100 a-day-habit croak is at maximum Kermit. And the lyrics. Oh good grief. They make ‘and she purrs like a kitten ’til the lake pipes roar’ sound philosophical. I had to re-listen to this in order to write about it here, but if I ever go there again, something will have gone badly wrong with my life.

That’s Why God Made The Radio (-8)

Autotune. On a Beach Boys record. That’s all I have to say.

Wild Honey (-7)

OK, so there are probably worse albums than this that haven’t made the list (the turgid triumvirate of M.I.U, L.A (Light Album), and Keepin’ The Summer Alive, for example), but I include Wild Honey here because of how dang disappointing it is. An entirely Brian Wilson written and produced record shouldn’t be so lightweight, with nary a memorable tune or harmony in sight. The critics seem to rate this, for some inexplicable reason, but they have no sway here. From the very first voice crack from Carl Wilson on ‘Wild Honey’ (lower the key if he can’t reach the high notes, for goodness’ sake), this is just a big let down on every level. Awful cover, too, just not quite enough awful enough to make the list below.

Total: -24

Overall: +2

Album covers:

Best:

Surfin’ Safari (+8)

Not the most imaginative or ground-breaking artwork, here, but the youthful optimism, innocence, and pure summer aesthetic of the music is visually manifested on this simple photograph (aptly taken at Paradise Cove in California).

All Summer Long (+7)

Revisiting Paradise Cove again for the All Summer Long Cover, this time, out and out fun is the name of the game (not ‘Fun, fun, fun’, though, as that wasn’t on the album). Burying each other in the sand, horse-riding, flying kites, playing American football: this could have been a ‘Visit California’ advert.

Summer Days (and Summer Nights!!) (+6)

Like The Rolling Stones, for me the Beach Boys never made a top quality album cover, so trying to choose a top 3 is no easy task. This one squeaks in because a) it’s not awful, and b) Brian Wilson looks genuinely happy.

Total: +21

Worst:

Pet Sounds (-4)

If the album this artwork fronted was bang average, then this probably wouldn’t have got on the ‘worst’ list. But I don’t there’s ever been a starker example of utter brilliance contained within utter mediocrity. It’s like presenting the Koh-i-Noor diamond in an egg box.

Surf’s Up (-5)

If the band wanted to present their latest work as the most miserable and despairing product of all time, they certainly chose the right cover for it. A segment of a painting based on a sculpture by James Earle Fraser called ‘End of the Trail’, the album might as well have been called ‘We give up’.

15 Big Ones (-7)

Head shot of the band members, looking the worst they’ve ever done, each framed by a ring which intertwines with the others a la The Olympic symbol. And the music underneath it all is nearly as bad. Foul stuff indeed.

Total: -16

Overall: +5

The Beach Boys score +7

THE ROLLING STONES PROGRESS TO THE NEXT ROUND, WINNING +8 TO +7.