I have ideas sometimes.

Mostly they’re stunning in both their overall idiocy and brevity of concept. Like the other day when… oh no wait, what was it? I was walking into town, past the civic hall, and it occurred to me that… was it something about evolution?


It makes me wonder exactly how many advances in human history have been lost through interruption, disorganisation or sudden and inconvenient murder halfway through formation of the key concepts. Minor acts of brilliance on the bus home or in the shower have seemed so precise and clear as a way forward for the world that not even the most seasoned of bureaucrats or German fetishists could poo-poo it.

And then I get to a pen, or a computer, or carving it into the bleached skulls of one of my victims and bang; it’s gone (the idea, not the skull. I try to keep those). The idea itself is gone and all I’m left with is a vague sense of having achieved something and hundreds of pieces of paper covered with “that was amazing, I should have written that down.”

Henceforth, out of fear of sudden demise or not having a pen, I am sharing with you some of my better and more life-changing ideas. This site could explode at any moment, annihilating them forever because I’m sure as hell not going to remember them. I’m an idiot.

1. We have a housing crisis and people buying houses just so they can rent them to people who need a house, and the main reason these renters can’t afford to buy is because rent is about as high as mortgage payments are, only their money’s going nowhere. Does this not strike anyone else as wrong?

2. I literally cannot describe how much I love marmite crisps. I’m sorry to bring it down to that level but I feel it’s something worth saying.

3. Everyone needs to get over this whole ‘9-5, 40 hours a week’ thing. Half of the work is being done by people filling in forms other people don’t really need to be sending out, and the other half is being held up by all the bloody forms. Stop it. We need to be working 20 hour weeks, and anyone who feels they need to be doing more than that will be prescribed an xbox.

4. Anyone who is caught planning acts of terrorism should be given guinea pigs. Seriously, just google a picture of a guinea pig right now, and then imagine orchestrating the demise of the west. It’s not possible. Calms you right down. Brilliant.

5. Speaking of which, maybe there is an evolutionary reason for kindness, and the ‘selfish gene’ isn’t the best. I say ‘speaking of which’ because one of my guinea pigs has a snub nose and the other has a longer snout. The longer snout can reach the hay at the back of the feeder which should mean it gets the best hay. However, if this happens the snub-nosed guinea pig attacks it out of jealousy for having better food. So it’s learned to pull the hay down and leave some for the snub-nose so they BOTH get food. Beneficence may be the result of a genetically superior being’s fear of being attacked by its inferior, so instead it helps out and makes itself invaluable to the mob. Consider your intellectual superiors and ask yourself who you like the best – haughty Richard Dawkins, or endearingly entertaining Stephen Fry?

I mean that’s five ideas right there, and those are just the ones that have managed to stick. It seems that these lost ideas could change the world for the better, and as such, I have concluded th

The metropolitan Police apologise for the abrupt end to this article, and promise that should the author be cleared of the charges of murdering people and carving things into their skulls, he will be available for perusal next week.